Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
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My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
fourth time’s the charm
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?