15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
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Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*