Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
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I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
“What?”
– Jude
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.