Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
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“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
wut hotdog?
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’