I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
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I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.