Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
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[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Hmmmmm
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
best first i’ve ever seen
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
my name if I was in the mob
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt