My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
You Might Also Like
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”