Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
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Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
a god among men
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.