4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
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doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.