Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
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Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.