You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
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I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
nice challenge
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
(by @ZachWeiner )
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.