I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
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My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”