[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
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Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?