[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
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Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.