I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
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My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Jupiter
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.