Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
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Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )