I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
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If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him: