I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
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No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
I can also cook 😂
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail