Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
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i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?