Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
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If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.