Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
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ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.