Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
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My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
That’s it.I’m out.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
I need better friends
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much