Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
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Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Guantanamo Bae