At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
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I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.