Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
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Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
The government even made aliens boring
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.