Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
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[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
What a chick magnet..
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA