Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
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I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Ape together strong
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
hey, alexa
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”