Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
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if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Cake safety first. Always.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby