I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
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The internet is magic sometimes.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
My typo game is string.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*