So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
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I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Go girl power!
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.