Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
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Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
I feel it
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers