My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
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I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
That took me a moment.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.