“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
You Might Also Like
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Put a ring on it
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**