DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
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Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
This could’ve been an email.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf