my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
You Might Also Like
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
🙄😏😂🤣
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme