7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
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My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
They did not think through this water fountain
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards