Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
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Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.