Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
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i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
never forget
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.