Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
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Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby