I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
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Found a free bandaid at the pool.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.