FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
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Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too