I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
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Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.