Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
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[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
I occasionally drink every single night.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
thanksgiving in nutshell
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?