Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
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*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
me opening up to someone
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
idk what he going thru but i feel him
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.