Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
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advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
best review i’ve ever seen
repaired
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.