If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
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*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
I wanna be friends with this person
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!