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2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
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Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Education is vital
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.