10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
You Might Also Like
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
5 ways to appear taller
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…