Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
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Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
(Musicians.)
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.