jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
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She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Labreador
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without